Jamie Oliver vs Me!

I have cooked imaginatively with leftovers both personally and in my role as a professional chef, my entire, and now fairly lengthy, adult life.  I have not only cooked this way to save money (although it really, really helps!) and because in some places I have worked food supplies have been tricky but also because that's just the way I am.  I like nothing more than to be confronted with a mix of foodie bits and pieces and make something cohesive and delicious from them.  To be fair I do not claim, as Jamie does, to "shop smart" although I am a bugger for the bargains but, as I say in the intro to my book ...

"The Leftovers Handbook is about getting the utmost pleasure out of every single scrap of food available to you.  The waste it tackles is not so much about money or resources but of good eating opportunities.  As a bonus, of course, this will save you money and may even help the planet."

And it is my book that I want to have a bit of a moan about today!  I worked long and hard on this and I am very proud of it.  The recipes and ideas are my own, often cooked by me in less than perfect conditions (in a small and crappy caravan and on boats both at sea and at anchor for instance) so I am pretty sure they will work in bedsits and other cramped conditions. 

I have been very excited to see how my book is doing (rather hampered by some problems with BT - see here) and now I feel I might be upstaged by someone with less aptitude for this particular task, offering less useful information (but lots of pretty pictures) just because he is a "name".  I am not trying to diss the guy in any way but surely frugality is not his area of expertise. 

Below are some quick comparisons I have cobbled together, if I think of any more I'm sure I'll mention them later! As I say I do keep an eye on how things are going Amazon-wise and see that today my book is ranking at # 7,897 with 13 five star reviews and no others and Jamie's is at # 1 with 15 five stars, 3 four stars, 3 three stars and 4 rather cross 1 stars.  

So if it's not price or amount of info or qualifications or customer satisfaction that makes celebrity chefs' books so popular then it must be ...?  What is a girl to do?

o              120 Recipes o              The book covers 5 main groups; Vegetables, Chicken, Fish, Beef, Pork and Lamb but seemingly no desserts, salads, breakfast dishes etc.  o              Written by a wealthy TV chef (although I do realise he may have started out poor!  I know I certainly did.) o              Cover price £26.00 - reduced to £19.00 on Amazon o              Lots of photos

o              Over 500 Recipes + tips, ideas, cooks treats, handy hints, (jokes, quotes and other interesting stuff) and including 30+ flexible Basic Recipes. o              My book deals with over 450 possible leftovers from something as normal as bread (18+ ideas and recipes) through all the different fruits, veggies, meats, fish, nuts, seeds, beans, rice, cheese etc. to obscure bits and pieces such as chicken fat and pineapple cores and even things as unlikely as chocolate and booze - I've tried to cover the lot.   o              Written by a widely travelled real chef who is, incidentally nowhere near flush with money (might be all that travelling!)  o              Cover price £12.99 reduced to £7.16  on Amazon and £6.80 for the Kindle version  o              No photos!!  This is because the publishers felt that there is so much information in the book there is not room for pictures without putting the price up considerably. In a way, however, I am pleased about this.  Pictures of food arranged by a stylist and photographed by a professional can be more daunting than useful!   My photos, however, of food cooked by me, arranged by me, photographed by me and then eaten by me can be seen on Pinterest Leftovers ~ my favourite Ingredients!

“Without promotion something terrible happens… Nothing!” ~ P.T. Barnum

Sadly, thanks to BT, this is exactly the situation I now find myself in.  The story so far ... (I'm sorry if you read some of this in my last post!)

Back story ...

1. We live in a house with a barn at the end of the garden.  We have converted the barn and are moving into it for the next year (or maybe for ever) whilst we gut and renovate the house. 
2. My book "The Leftovers Handbook" has recently been published and I both urgently and constantly need phone and internet access for marketing it. I have sent out press releases and magazine pitches via email and need to respond immediately to replies. I tweet and use Facebook, Linkedin and other social media, all of which have a positive effect on sales and keeping my name and my book in people's minds.  My agent, publishers and publicist communicate via a joint Dropbox in the cloud which now, of course, is not available to me.
3. Even more importantly we have a family member with terminal cancer and need to be in touch with him (so far he is still living alone in his own home in Newcastle) on a daily basis.

The transfer of the line was arranged for Friday 26^th July between 8.00 am and 1.00 pm.

Friday 26^th July

•                     No-one showed up all morning but in good faith we completed moving our home into the barn. At 12.55 pm our phone line was disconnected and about 15 minutes later I received a text message on my mobile thus ...

"We are really apologize (sic) that the engineer could not visit your new address to activate the telephone line.  Reason for Delay: Job Delayed with TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT.  Next Update Friday 16 /08/13.  We will keep you updated so that you needn't call us back.  Thank You Bt (sic)"

•                     We borrowed our neighbours' phone to call the 0800 number (0800 800 150) and were held in a line for about 20 minutes. I then spoke to a very helpful and sympathetic girl in India who gave me the number to call. It was 0800 800 150! 

•                     I called again and got to talk to a guy in Birmingham who was also very helpful and he got in touch with the engineers who told him that the work could not be done because "it is a very busy road" and they need clearance from the council.  Seemingly they assume a road is quiet till proved otherwise! 

•                     I asked, of course, for the line to be switched on again but was told this is not possible and I would be updated (just updated mark you, not transferred and connected) on 16^th August.

•                     I asked if there was anyone in charge I could talk to and was told I could write to someone called Warren Buckley or something similar, I think.  I said it was more urgent than that and was told a manager would call me back on my mobile within the hour.  He/she didn't.

•                     Just after 4.00 pm I called again and spoke to another sympathetic and helpful girl who said she would do her best to arrange for the service to be switched back on sometime Monday (although transferring the line would still not happen till at least the 16^th) and would call me back to let me know how she got on.  She didn't. 

Monday 29^th July

•                     I spoke to a more useful sort of guy who set us up a temporary phone number to our house and suggested I get a dongle for temporary internet access.

•                     As it happens I had a radio interview arranged for this day to be conducted over the 'phone and as I had to use my mobile with less than perfect reception the interview was cut from fifteen minutes to five. 

Tuesday 30^th July

•                     I spent the day at the home of a good friend willing to let me take over her internet connection for several hours contacting people saying that I would be out of action for day or two till I got a dongle.  Sadly this information was wrong.  My friend lives 16 miles away so this is not something I can do frequently especially as I don't drive.

Wednesday 31^st July

•                     I tried to get a dongle but without success as all suppliers say there is not sufficient reception where I live - PL26 7YH.

•                     Although the account is actually in my name, as I was getting so very upset by this stage, my partner then rang 0800 800 150 and spoke to a girl in Durham who said we could cancel the order and have our old number back with 48 hours,  We could then rearrange the transfer for a later date. This seemed the best answer since I need the internet as soon as possible so, to enable us to do this, she said she'd transfer us to the correct department but unfortunately it was a wrong number!   

•                     He re-dialled and got to talk to a guy in India who didn't really understand what he was saying but eventually decided he couldn't do what we were asking and indeed said no-one in India could deal with this problem and he couldn't transfer us to anyone who could. 

•                     We tried again - same result. 

•                     Third time lucky-ish he got a Scots guy who refused to say where he was but at least they understood each other.  After about half an hour of explanations and discussion he came up with the information that he couldn't deal with it - we needed to speak to Open Reach.  He said he was transferring us to ....

•                     ... Open Reach, their Indian office, who after about 10 minutes pondering decided to transfer us to ...

•                     ... Open Reach in Warrington I think  My partner went through the whole thing again, phone number, order number, address, what the problem is, etc. etc and they had a long chat and she was so helpful he asked to have her direct number in case he needed to speak to her again but she said there was no direct number. She did say, however, that in her opinion cancelling the order was not the right thing to do as it would take until at least Monday 5^th August to reconnect and probably take our internet provider another 5 working days to reconnect us.  She also said there was no guarantee that we would get our original number back. 

•                     He was then transferred to Order Management in India, the guy's English was not very good and he kept saying he would "do something to make" my partner speak to his supervisor which eventually he did.

•                     The supervisor asked for my partner's name, Paul Clementson, and thereafter referred to him as Mr. Poll!   Asked if it would be possible to speed up the procedure and transfer the line within the next few days he said "no".

Thursday 1^st August

I posted the above in a letter to the BT Correspondence Centre at an address given to me by one of the friendly folk above.

Saturday 3^rd August

I received the following text ...

"Hello - this is a message from BT. This is to confirm we will contact you 20/08/13 by 20.00 to discuss the delay in activation of your services.  There is no need to contact us as we will not be able to provide you with any more information.  Thank you. Sender 2123001"

As you see they will call me on 20^th August to "discuss the delay in activation of your services" but I may have self destructed with sheer rage and frustration by then!

So far we have spoken to about 12 different people being held in line over and over again for about 20 minutes per time, repeatedly giving all the details and telling our story.  In the end we heard so many different versions of what could or should happen that we don't know what to believe. 

The road we live on is fairly busy but nothing out of the ordinary just a single carriageway main road through a village in Cornwall, the telegraph pole is on our side of the road directly outside the house, the line needs to be extended for a few yards down our garden.  We own both properties. 

I am now going to contact everyone I can possibly think of that may be able to help.  If you have any ideas please ... WHAT?  I suppose comment and I'll ask a friend to keep an eye on this blog for me.  Also perhaps tweeting or posting on FB might help at least spread the word about BT's appalling service.

HELP!

PS.  Sorry for being so moany and thank you for your comments so far. xx

  

Buggered by BT!

A couple of months ago my first (yes I am planning more) book "The Leftovers Handbook" was published and I was all proud and excited and full of big plans.  In the course of reading up about being published I soon realised that the real work starts after publication and that it is up to the author to work As Hard As They Can to market the book.  That was fine with me, I already had a popular foodie blog "Sudden Lunch" and also an infant blog about my writing experiences - yes this very one!  I have had several articles published in national magazines and have also self published a couple of ebooks to help establish myself as a food writer. 

My agent the lovely Jen Christie of Graham Maw Christie has been wonderful and Katie Read, the publicity agent for my publishers has done some fine work. I have received lots of great reviews and mentions in the press - see tab above - and the most exciting publicity so far has been an interview Katie arranged with Talk Radio Europe yesterday.  All in all I've been feeling pretty good about the marketing and full of ideas for the next few weeks.

As if this isn't excitement enough for an old dear like me we are sort of moving. We have a barn at the end of our garden which my real man has converted from a shell to a wonderful little home and we are now moving in whilst he guts and renovates the house.  Part of this move involves transferring our phone line to the barn and this was arranged to tie in with the final part of the move on 26^th July. 

The engineer was scheduled to visit between 8.00 am and 1.00 pm so we got up early (for us!) and although said real man had lots to do elsewhere he stayed home to oversee and/or help with any drilling through the barn walls that might be necessary.  Meanwhile I excitedly moved our last bits and pieces into barn and started arranging my cooking and writing areas.    

And then BT buggered us thus ...

•                     At 12.55 pm ("cutting it tight", I innocently thought) the phone went dead and I assumed this was the start of the job although I couldn't see any BT workmen outside.

•                     A few minutes later I received a text message on my mobile saying ...

"We are really apologize (sic) that the engineer could not visit your new address to activate the telephone line.  Reason for Delay: Job Delayed with TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT.  Next Update Friday 16 /08/13.  We will keep you updated so that you needn't call us back.  Thank You Bt (sic)"

•                     At about 1.15 pm the dialling tone returned to the phone but it is impossible to make calls  (all numbers are "not recognised" ) or receive calls (nothing happens)  and I have no internet.

•                     We borrowed our neighbours' phone to call the 0800 number (0800 800 150) and was held in a line for about 20 minutes. I then spoke to a very helpful and sympathetic girl in India who gave me the number to call.  It was 0800 800 150! 

•                     I called again and got to talk to a guy in Birmingham who was also very helpful and got in touch with the engineers who told him that the work could not be done because "it is a very busy road" and they need clearance from the council.  Seemingly they assume a road is quiet till proved wrong! 

•                     I asked, of course, for the line to be switched on again but was told this is not possible till 16^th August.

•                     I asked if there was anyone in charge I could talk to and was told I could write to someone called Warren Buckley, I think.  I said it was more urgent than that and was told a manager would call me back on my mobile within the hour.  He/she didn't.

•                     Just after 4.00 pm I called again and spoke to another sympathetic and helpful girl who said she would do her best to arrange for the service to be switched back on sometime Monday (although transferring the line would still not happen till the 16^th) and would call me back to let me know how she gets on.  She didn't. 

So far as my book and my work are concerned (in addition to the problem I had about the interview - luckily my neighbours lent me their phone) this is a real problem; I have sent out press releases and pitches to magazines which I need to keep track of and respond to in a timely fashion.  Furthermore I blog and tweet and use Facebook, Linkedin and so on daily and what I do in these areas really makes a difference to my book sales.  And that's by no means the worst of it ...

On a much more upsetting note for us (and sorry to bother you with my personal life) is the fact that we have a family member with terminal cancer and really do need to be available at all times.  Can BT seriously think that a text message deals with all this?  

In case you are wondering, mobile reception is not very good in this part of Cornwall, our neighbours are elderly and do not have internet and we are miles from the nearest library or internet cafe etc.

So, to cut to the chase ...

My Advice to BT 

Don't permanently disable a line till you are sure you can finish the work!

Thanks for reading this, all the best,

Disgusted of Cornwall

PS.  Since writing the above I have managed to speak to someone sensible at BT!  I think his name is Davraz, (I wrote it down but can't read my own handwriting!) who has set up a temporary line for us until 16^th August (the road outside being quiet, of course!).  We'll see how it goes.

PPS.  I know it is important to break up posts with some pictures so here is one I just copied from The Cartoon Blog which seems excellent and which I will be investigating further (just as soon as I get back online)!

No. 1 Best Seller?

This is a question that I have often pondered even before the days of ebooks, Amazon and self publishing.  Often I would see books advertised at "The No. 1 Bestseller" even though I who read avidly and spent far too long in bookshops and libraries had never heard of it.  How, I pondered, was best seller status established?

Now, with a couple of ebooks and a "real" book published this question is no longer purely academic for me - what does No. 1 Bestseller mean?  Does anyone know?  In reading and talking to people in the publishing and self publishing industry I understand that choosing one's category is a good way to reach the top of certain piles.  Incidentally and oddly the categories my books are actually listed under on Amazon are not quite what I selected but close enough. 

A couple of days ago my ice cream book was rated on Amazon thus ... 

#1 in Kindle Store > Books > Nonfiction > Food & Drink > Cooking by Ingredient > Cheese & Dairy

#38 in Kindle Store > Books > Nonfiction > Food & Drink > Desserts

#69 in Books > Food & Drink > Meals & Menus > Cheese & Dairy

And what I want to know is - in accordance with the first line above can I now advertise it as a best seller?  It would feel a bit cheeky but if that's way things are done I don't want to miss out!  What do you think?

In other news ...

Here's a picture of Rum Roasted Banana Ice Cream from the aforementioned book ...

... and rumour has it that my real book, "The Leftovers Handbook" has been favourably mentioned in Great British Food Magazine, if I find it I'll report back. 

I've just realised, I don't think the recipe for the crispy bananas in this picture is in Lush Ice Cream without a Machine but no worries - here it is.

Banana Brittle

30g butter

½ tbsp vegetable oil

3 tbsp caster sugar

1 possibly leftover banana

~   Preheat the oven to 350ºF/180ºC/160°C fan/gas 4.

~   Melt together the butter and oil and brush evenly onto a baking tray.

~   Sprinkle with half of the sugar.

~   Thinly slice the banana and arrange on the tray in a single layer.

~   Sprinkle with the rest of the sugar.

~   Pop in the oven and keep an eye on them.  Every time a slice is golden and looks crisp (it won't actually be crisp till it cools) remove it from the oven and set aside.

~   Keep cooking till the plate is full and the tray is empty which takes about half an hour.

~   Cool the brittle till crisp - it will keep in an airtight container for up to 5 days but you will probably have eaten it by then.