My new homes ...

Hi,

I have merged this blog with Sudden Lunch! here,

and my Writerly Website is here.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

Suzy x

What do you actually know about Aphrodisiacs?

Right, time to get this poor neglected blog back into the limelight (ish).  A while ago I published a little ebook of aphrodisiacs and here is a quiz, just for fun, based on that volume! Don’t worry if you haven’t read it, you can do that later!  Here goes ...

1.   Which nut did the writer Colette spurn because she thought that“they add weight to the breasts"?

~    Brazil nuts
~    Almonds
~    Cobnuts
~    Walnuts

2.   What do Hindus traditionally leave on the doorstep to indicates that a marriage is about to take place?

               ~    A handful of rice
               ~    A banana
               ~    A jar of honey
               ~    A coconut

3.   And which food do the Amish traditionally associate with weddings?

               ~    Carrots
               ~    Sauerkraut
               ~    Celery
               ~    Candy

4.   What did Casanova say could “restore an old love and ... ripen a young one.”?

~    Champagne

~    Cheese

~    Chocolate
~    Something else starting 

       with Ch

5.   Who wrote a rather naughty Poem called “Figs”?

     ~    Philip Larkin
     ~    Oscar Wilde
     ~    D.H. Lawrence
     ~   Allen Ginsberg

6.   Ginger derives its name from a Sanskrit word, srngaveram, meaning …

               ~    Healing root
               ~    Horn-shaped
               ~    Tickling stick
               ~    Sweet heat

7.   Who said this?

~    Benjamin Franklin
~    Mark Twain
~    Walt Whitman
~    Henry David Thoreau

8.   What is held to be the ideal length for a vanilla pod?

~    The longer the better
~    A good 6 inches
~    11cm
~    125mm

9. Which of these is NOT considered to have aphrodisiac qualities.

                ~    Baboon urine
                ~    Horny goat weed
                ~    Stinky toe
                ~    Spanish fly

10.  What fruit was known by the Aztecs as the testicle tree, in their own language of course – ahuacacuauhitl.

                ~    Granadilla
                ~    Papaya
                ~    Avocado
                ~    Soursop

11.  Which herb in Italy is known as "bacia-nicola” which means "kiss me Nicholas?

               

     ~     Oregano
     ~     Marjoram
     ~     Sage
     ~     Basil

12. Which food did the Talmud say that people, “even women”, should eat on the Sabbath, because it “promotes love and arouses desire”?

                ~     Roast Chicken
                ~     Gefilte Fish
                ~     Garlic
                ~     Locusts

Answers at end of the post.

Bone up on aphrodisiacs in time for Valentine’s Day and find some good ideas for that special dinner with ...  

~   The most 17 most convincing (at least to me) aphrodisiac foods
~   Some background on each one
~   46 recipes plus other delicious ideas of what to do with them
~   A little bit about their nutritional benefits
~   A brief mention of other, seemingly lesser, aphrodisiacs
~   One or two possibly suggestive food photos
~   Some rude comments and, of course,
~   Double entendres.

Going cheap at the moment here ...

Amazon.co.uk for kindle

Amazon.com for kindle

All other formats

~   Answers   ~

                         1.   Almonds
                         2.   Banana
                         3.   Celery
                        4.   Cheese
                        5.   D.H. Lawrence – read the poem here
                        6.   Horn shaped
                        7.   Benjamin Franklin
                       8.    6 inches
                       9.    Stinky toe – more about this here
                     10.    Avocado
                     11.     Basil
                     12.    Garlic

How did you do?  

Click to Tweet your score (remember to add it in first!)

A Gruelling Weekend on the Settee!

“The hardest thing about being a writer is convincing your wife that lying on the sofa is work.”

JOHN HUGHES

My real man has been away and this was an ideal opportunity to (no, not that) finish the next book in a series I am writing on useful key recipes without the distraction of programmes about the war, power tools and other manly noises.

Said real man calls all my writing endeavours “sitting on the settee” even when I rather sportingly sit on a hard wooden chair at the table.  He is proud of my having had a real book really published and of my other writings but he doesn’t understand how physically hard work it is.  I do – it hurts! 

So I wanted to tell you about a very handy little programme I downloaded which has helped immensely plus a cunning plan I have put into operation.

Firstly the useful programme.  I have been experiencing all sorts of eye problems recently from itching, blurring and soreness to sudden pains like a needle stabbing my eye.  Of course this worried me so I looked up “eyestrain caused by computer work” and discovered, ta da …

Their argument is that a computer screen is designed to replicate working in bright sunshine and that this is not natural for us for so many hours a day so it adjusts the brightness automatically making it warmer at night.

I downloaded f.lux, which is free incidentally, about a week ago and oh golly gosh my eyes feel better - get it here.

So now to my cunning plan.  I have not only realised, but been told over and over again, that I should get some exercise and I agree that sitting about all day, even if I am waggling my fingers a lot, is probably not enough activity.  On the other hand it is pouring with rain, I don’t drive and where we live has nothing much to look at.  Also, of course, I am busy thinking and writing.  So I have made a promise to myself and so far so good.  Every time I have to stand up, whatever the reason – I will walk up and down stairs five times and then do the exercises I am going to tell you about. 

These exercises were recommended to me a while back by a great physiotherapist when I had not one but two frozen shoulders. 

Important

I am going to try to explain these two exercises which work well for me but I recommend that you look into them further before having a go. Certainly don’t rely on what I say because I am a cheffy food writer type thing and not a doctor but I do really recommend further investigation.

Exercise 1

I think this is called a neck retraction and what I do is, standing tall and straight and looking forward I drawn my head back and bring my chin down slightly. When I do this I can feel the top of my spine stretching.  I do this ten times for a count of 10 each time just after I’ve just gone up and down the stairs as mentioned above.  My physio told me this would also help counteract a windows hump.

Exercise 2

I don’t know what this is called.  Whilst standing with my arms hanging loosely at my sides I roll my shoulders kind of backwards and downwards whilst squeezing my shoulder blades together. Then for good measure I pull my chin back as above. I do this ten times for a count of 10 too.

I do apologise for using the word “exercise” so much, I realise it can be upsetting but I'm trying to help.

Key Recipes

The book I have just uploaded to Amazon (see my previous post about how to do this) is the third in a series I am writing, each book giving one key recipe with numerous ways to use it and lots of other useful information.  The idea is that readers will be inspired by the information I give them to go on to create their own delicious meals.

This one is about soup and gives 50 recipes for soup plus others for stocks, garnishes and accoutrements and looks like this - look inside here.

One other thing …

If you’d like a free copy of my “219 Cooking Tips & Techniques you might find useful” (it’s a big sexy 77p on Amazon but you might as well have it for nothing!) pop over to Sudden Lunch! and click the link in the sidebar. There is an option to sign up for my Sudden Lunch! posts to be delivered straight to your inbox, it’s not compulsory but you might like them!  

How to Publish Kindle Books

For the past few weeks, often bravely battling on despite the wintery weather, I have been playing with sorbets and granitas. It’s hell writing cookbooks! Now, at last, I have tried all my ideas, taken pics, written about the recipes, eaten the results and finally published a little ebook which looks like this!

It is really as an addendum to my ice cream book because there were some ideas and recipes I wanted to include but they didn't fit.

There is, however, even more to this story. After writing my ice cream book which I originally titled “Lush Ice Cream without a Machine” but have now slightly re-named as “100+ Luscious Ice Creams without a Machine”, it occurred to me that I know several other useful, super-flexible base recipes. I have therefore devised a cunning plan.

I have decided to publish a few more eBooks each one dedicated to one of these key recipes under the series title “Suzy Bowler’s Key Recipes”.

So, after I uploaded “Sorbets and Granitas” I adjusted my ice cream book a little, to bring it in line with this new series of which, to be fair, it was the first.  Don’t worry if you've already bought it, all the recipes are the same, I've just added links to this new book and more photos. Click here to have a look at it in detail or even buy it – surely it will be spring soon!

For some reason this caused me all sorts of problems and I spent the whole day “sitting on the settee” (as my darling calls it even though I was on a hard wooden chair) trying to upload it to Amazon. I still don’t know what the problem was. Sometimes the photos were in the wrong place when I previewed the book, sometimes it just wouldn't upload. I did exactly the same as I usually do and as this is my 5^th self-published ebook (read about the whole set here) I have uploaded, so far), I am befuddled.

Anyway it worked in the end and I have no idea why it did, either! I think it was probably a glitch on Amazon rather than something I was doing wrong – I’m never wrong!

So as I am never wrong here, briefly, is how I (usually successfully) prepare, convert and upload my ebooks.

To prepare a book for Amazon Kindle

~   Have the finished document in Word.

~   Add any photos in their correct place using the insert photo method (not copy and paste or anything else!). Pictures should ideally be in the proportions 9:1I. I usually make mine 900 pixels wide but sometimes less than 1100 pixels high, that just means it doesn’t fill the page.

~   Modify the “Normal” Style to Times New Roman, font size 12, single line space. Within Normal set the Paragraph style to 6 points after a paragraph and 6 points indent, if you like, for a new paragraph.  Save these modifications.

~   Highlight the whole document (press cntrl A) and set it all to Normal.

~   You will now have to go through the document re-setting such things as centring, bold and italic.  Don’t have any unusual fonts or anything larger than 14.

~   If in some places, such as lists of ingredients in my case, you don’t want a break after a line or paragraph press Shift/Enter instead of just Enter.   

To convert a book for Amazon Kindle

~   Save the prepared document as Web Page, Filtered to Desktop.  You will then see this …

~   Say YES.

~   Right click on the document on your desktop (as it is now in HTML it will be have the same icon as your browser), go down to Send To and select compressed zip file.

~   If your document included photos open the zip file that has appeared on the desktop using Windows Explorer.

~   There should also have appeared a separate folder on the desktop containing your photos. Drag and drop this into the zip file you have just opened with Windows Explorer.

To upload a book to Amazon’s Kindle

~   Go to Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing.

~   Sign up, log in and follow the instructions!

Easy Peasy (Usually Pusually)!

Free Book!

Speaking of self-published books, if you’d like a copy of my “219 Cooking Tips & Techniques you might find useful” pop over to Sudden Lunch and click the link in the sidebar.  There is an option to sign up for my Sudden Lunch! posts to be delivered straight to your inbox, it’s not compulsory but you might like them!

A Blog Chain Virgin in the Virgin Islands

This post is a little different as I have been invited to take part in a Blog Chain – a first for me and quite exciting.  The basic idea is that the initiator decides on a topic, writes about it and then nominates another blogger or bloggers to do the same.  I am the last of this current chain, scroll to end of this post for earlier links.

Wendy Percival who writes contemporary mysteries inspired by genealogy and family secrets nominated me, bless her. Read about her newly published book “Blood-Tied” (which I shall be searching out as soon as I return to Cornwall) here and visit her blog about writing here where you can read her link in the chain.

These are the four questions which are the subject of this post:

1)    What am I working on?
2)    How does my work differ from others of its genre or type?
3)    Why do I write what I do?
4)    How does my writing process work?

They look quite simple but I’m not so sure, here goes.

What am I working on?

Lots of things, that’s why I’m so confused!

I have written and published four ebooks on Amazon Kindle, I enjoy doing them, the independence they give me from all the palaver involved in traditional publishing and the small pittance that I occasionally receive from Amazon. 

Details of these ebooks can be found here 

I am currently in the Caribbean where I used to live and where (very sadly for me) we are packing up our remaining belongings and selling our boat as a final break with the place.  This seems a good time to write about my experiences as a chef here so I am starting on that as an ebook.

There has been talk of publishing a sequel to my real grown up book “The Leftovers Handbook” which, despite what I said above about the publishing process, I am very proud of.  I am not sure if this second book, about cooking from the store cupboard, will go ahead but I am collecting ideas and recipes just in case.

I also have lists of ideas to pitch to magazines, things to post in my blog and lots more 
ideas for ebooks.

How does my work differ from others of its genre or type?

If it does differ then it may be because of my diverse cooking experiences not only in England and the Caribbean but also in The Canaries, France, Madeira, New Zealand (and maybe other places too that have slipped my mind!) including working on a passage making yacht and a day trip catamaran and living, cooking and eating in camper vans, caravans and living on a boat for 16 years. Also I like to think, when writing, that I am chatting to a friend so am not too formal.

Why do I write what I do?

Well one big reason is that I am so irritated with the way people eat, the lack of basic food knowledge, and the waste of perfectly enjoyable good food simply because people don’t know what to do with it.  Also I feel I have learnt so much it would be a good idea to pass it on! Oh - and I enjoy it, of course.

How does my writing process work?

I’m not sure it is organised enough to be called a process.  Once I have decided on a subject I make a “collection” of everything I might want to include from background info, quotes and anecdotes to, of course, recipes and foodie ideas.  If there is enough to make something worth reading I then sort it under various headings and start writing. Anything I am not sure of I type in red to go back to. Any information from elsewhere I type in purple so as not to plagiarise anyone. I test recipes that I am not totally sure of, take pics and go for it!  Part of the “process” involves grabbing any opportunity I can to write when my real man doesn’t have the telly on which really distracts me!

Links in the chain:

I can’t find the start of the chain (!) but here are the most recent ones:

Sandra Warren ~ Sandra Warren Writes
Debbie Nance ~ 2 Weavers 

Story Juggler

Erin Albert 

Anita Davison ~ The Disorganised Author
Samantha Tonge
Patsy Collins ~ 

Wendy Clarke ~ Wendy's Writing Now
Tracy Fells

Sally Jenkins

Debbie Young

Wendy Percival

Me!!!

Boost your Libido!

Just a quickie because "unfortunately" I am in the Caribbean (my home for many years) where there is limited internet access but unlimited sun, rum and good friends.

Ever since I started writing my father in law (who passed on 18 months ago … but see here for a picture of him in his magnificent youth!) said that I shouldn't waste my time writing about food, I should write about sex as that it what sells.

I have very slightly taken his advice and written a short ebook on aphrodisiacs …

Just 94p ~ please click here to at least have a look inside.

I did a fair bit of research (or “sitting on the settee” as my real man calls it) to come up with what seem to be the 17 most-likely-to-be-aphrodisiac foods and then given some background on each one, some ideas of what to do with them plus a recipe or two and a little bit about their nutritional benefits as they relate to the libido. 

Naturally I have also included a few rather suggestive food photos (sadly I couldn't muster one for all 17 foods), some rude comments and some double entendres.

Easy Festive Food

… for a Relaxing Christmas

I’ve just published this eBooklet on Amazon.  As I say in the intro, Christmas catering can be time consuming, tiring and a bit stressy, so I thought I’d offer some suggestions to make it quicker, easier, more relaxed and perhaps more impressive! This eBooklet contains a collection of quick ideas and recipesI have used over the years to impress guests and customers without knackering myself!

The booklet contains over 20 (it’s 24 actually but it seems people always say over something!) recipes which can either be made well in advance or are almost instant.  They are …

~   Mulled Wine Syrup – really useful!

~   Moose Milk

~   Simple Cook from Frozen Cheese Straws

~   Lemon & Spice Marinated Shrimp

~   Smoked Trout Rillettes

~   The Quickest, Easiest, Smoothest and Richest Chicken Liver Pâté I know

~   Roasted Garlic with a Creamy Goat Cheese Concoction

~   Fruity Red Cabbage

~   Carrot & Parsnip Purée
~   Roast Butternut Wedges

~   Luxurious Bread Sauce

~   Simple Homemade Stuffing Recipe

~   Chunky Homemade Cranberry Sauce

~   Rather Special Mulled Cranberry Sauce

~   Little Pots of Chocky Ganache 

~   Caramel Cream

~   Affogato

~   Stock with a bonus!

~   Turkey Soup – inevitably!
~   Brandy Butter

~   Christmas Pud Pudding

~   The Best Christmas Pudding Ice Cream

~   Sticky Stollen Thing

~   Christmas Tiffin

In addition are guidelines for the turkey, roast potatoes etc. and lots of ideas and suggestions that don’t quite qualify as recipes but are worth knowing.

The book is sub-divided into two sections; food for the “Big Dinner” and “Boxing Day and Thereafter” (ie. what to do with the leftovers; my favourite ingredients.)

It’s only 75p and you can have a Look Inside first here.

Yule be glad you read it!

Amazon Ranking

Thanks in part to a great review of The Leftovers Handbook by The Frugal Queen my sales have improved dramatically over the last few days.  I check once or twice (or eighteen or thirty five times) a day to see how it is doing and sometimes it makes me grin.  This, for instance …

Me, Suzy Bowler, ahead of Delia!  Not really of course; it’s due to how the books have been categorised.  The Leftovers Handbook is under Books > Food & Drink > Reference & Gastronomy > Gastronomy.   Actually it has been as high as number 4 in this category and is at 8 today but looks so much more impressive with Delia beside it don’t you think?

It does mean, however, that I can rightfully claim to have been in the Top 100 Gastronomy books for quite a few days now!

It was recently brought home to me how important categorisation is after my lovely agent Jen Christie managed to get the Kindle version of The Leftovers Handbook re-categorised under Gastronomy and sales rank improved considerably – something to bear very much in mind when self-publishing on Amazon.

This isn't cheating at all; it’s making life easier for possible purchasers to find the information they are looking for which will, naturally, boost sales.  This is why my book features nowhere under Books > Food & Drink > Food Writers > Delia Smith! 

In other news

In case you are wondering about how our BT Fiasco is going – the matter is now in the hands of The Chairman’s office who were sadly confused and in fact placed a new order on our behalf which we didn’t want.  They did cancel it quite efficiently after I pointed the error out and I think started to understand that at the moment all we want is the reinstatement of our old number.  (Yes, we will need more work later but that can take place months from now after we have rallied a bit!)   

We don’t have our number back yet; it’s been something like 10 days since the Chairman’s office took the case over and I would have thought returning our original number, which is not in use by anyone else, would be a piece of you know what.  They’ve managed to change it twice without too much trouble, or our consent!

Sorry about this rant but I've got to talk to someone!

Back story ...

1. We live in a house with a barn at the end of the garden.  We have converted the barn into a home and intend to gut, renovate and then rent out the house.

2. I have recently had a book published and both urgently and constantly need phone and internet access for marketing it. I have had business cards printed and distributed with my phone number and email address on them.  I have sent out press releases and magazine pitches via email and need to respond immediately to replies. I tweet and use Facebook, Linkedin and other social media, all of which have a positive effect on sales and keeping my name and my book in people's minds.  Networking being so very important these days my sales rise and fall dramatically depending on whether or not I am active online.  My agent, publishers and publicist communicate via a joint Dropbox in the cloud which now, of course, is not available to me. 

3. Even more important and upsetting we have a family member with terminal cancer and need to be in touch with him (so far he is still living alone in his own home in Newcastle) on a daily basis.

27/10/13

On 27^th June we arranged with BT for the transfer of the line from our house to the barn on Friday 26^th July between 8.00 am and 1.00 pm and based on that date made other arrangements for our move.  During the intervening month we received a call from the engineers asking us to confirm some details of the location and he called later to say this was fine and the work could go ahead.

26/07/13

•                    No-one showed up all morning but we moved and at 12.55 pm our line was disconnected, 15 minutes later I received a text message...

"We are really apologize (sic) that the engineer could not visit your new address to activate the telephone line.  Reason for Delay: Job Delayed with TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT.  Next Update Friday 16 /08/13.  We will keep you updated so that you needn't call us back.  Thank You Bt (sic)"

•                     Called the 0800 800 150 waited 20 minutes then spoke to a girl in India who gave me the number to call. It was 0800 800 150! 

•                     Called again and got a guy in Birmingham who spoke to the engineers who said the work could not be done because "it is a very busy road" and they need clearance from the council.  Seemingly they assume a road is quiet till proved otherwise! 

•                     I asked for the line to be switched on again but was told this is not possible and I would be updated on 16^th August.

•                     I was told a manager would call me back on my mobile within the hour. He/she didn't.  This phone call, including waiting time, took over an hour.

•                     I called again and spoke to girl who said she would do her best to arrange for the service to be switched back on sometime Monday (although transferring the line would still not happen till at least the 16^th) and would call me back to let me know how she got on.  She didn't. 

29/07/13

•                     Spoke to a savvy guy who set up a temporary phone number to our house and said it would be charged at the same rate as our original line ***.  He suggested I get a dongle for temporary internet access and credited our account £25 to cover this.

30/07/13

•                     Contacted people saying that I would be out of action for day or two till I got a dongle.  Sadly this information was wrong. 

31/07/13

•                     Tried to get a dongle but all suppliers, including BT, say there is not sufficient reception where I live.

•                     Spoke to Durham who said we could cancel the order and have our old number back with 48 hours.  We could then rearrange the transfer for a later date. She said she'd transfer us but unfortunately it was a wrong number!   

•                     Re-dialled and talked to a guy in India who didn't really understand but eventually decided he couldn't do what we were asking and indeed no-one in India could deal with this problem and he couldn't transfer us to anyone who could. 

•                     Tried again - same guy. 

•                     3^rd call we got a Scottish chap who, after about half an hour discussion, came up with the information that he couldn't deal with it and transferred us to ....

•                     ... Open Reach in India who after about 10 minutes transfer us to ...

•                     ... Open Reach in Warrington. They said cancelling the order was not the thing to do as it would take until at least 5^th August to reconnect and there was no guarantee that we would get our original number back.

•                     She transferred us to Order Management in India, the guy's English was not very good so he transferred us to his supervisor.

•                     We asked if it would be possible to speed up the procedure and transfer the line within the next few days, he said "No" and that was it.

01/08/13

I posted the above information in a letter to the BT Correspondence Centre at an address in Durham given to me by one of the friendly folk above.

03/08/13

"Hello - this is a message from BT. This is to confirm we will contact you 20/08/13 by 20.00 to discuss the delay in activation of your services.  There is no need to contact us as we will not be able to provide you with any more information.  Thank you. Sender 2123001"

06/08/13

Emailed BT from a friend's and was told I would receive a reply within 24 hours, I didn't.  Filled in complaints form at https://bt.custhelp.com/app/contact_email/c/5642,5681 but have not heard anything.

07/08/13

Received a call from India in response to my letter sent to Durham to reassure me that work would be done as soon as possible after 16^thAugust. I gave him some details, he was surprised and gave me a direct number to Order Management. 

Called the number held in a queue with a recording every few minutes saying "will be answered".  After 25 minutes I realised as I had already got through to the number I was being charged for this long wait. 

I hung up and just for a laugh called 0800 800 150 and was held in a line for a few minutes and then an automated service took my mobile number and said they would hold my place in the line and call back within the hour. They didn't. 

08/08/13

I called 0800 800 150 again twice, as above, no return calls.

12/08/13

Wrote to Warren Buckley asking for his help, no reply.

19/08/13

BT called to say would be erecting traffic lights on 22^nd August.

22/08/13

No traffic lights by 5.30 pm so I rang and bugger me if I didn't get through to a sensible girl in England who spoke to the engineers who said the lights were scheduled for 7.00 pm. and also that the distribution box was full and they needed to split the line before completing the work

At 7.00 there was a Traffic Lights van outside and bollards had been placed for some way along the road BUT they had gone again an hour later!

23/08/13

Called BT and was told the engineers had arrived that morning but were unable to do the work as there was a parked car in the way!  How odd, if this is true, that they didn't knock at our door or any of our neighbours to find out whose it was or to get it moved. 

BT called on my mobile to say that they needed to do some work at the exchange first and would update us by 8.00 pm that day.  They didn't.  I called the number and got a recorded message:

"We tried to call you but there was no answer ... you have not been charged for this call."

24/08/13

Called 0800 800 150 and spoke to a guy in India who said it's in the hands of a facilitator  and that he'd put a note on the file.  As it was a bank holiday he'd try to ensure someone calls 8.00 pm on 27^th August but, this did not mean the work would be done then!

27/08/13

No one rang. 

Sent an updated letter to Warren Buckley, still no reply. 

28/08/13

Called BT and some genius said they could add internet to our temporary line and did!  I was very pleased and wished they'd done it earlier. 

04/09/13

I went to France with a friend leaving my partner in UK and giving BT his daytime and mobile numbers.  I had expected the situation to be resolved by my return on 24^th September.

12/09/13

BT texted me in France to say they had called but were unable to get hold of me. I tried to reply to the text to re-iterate UK numbers but not possible to reply to that number.  .

16/09/13

Received a text, in France, saying they would contact me on the 18^th September.

18/09/13

Received a phone call, in France, from BT, told them again the UK numbers and was told that they'd call my partner in a day or two to let him know how things are going.

20/09/13

I received, in France naturally, a text saying ...

We have tried to contact you unsuccessfully. We apologise for the delay in providing you with Telephone service, we are working with our engineers to resolve this.  We will contact you again on 27/09/13

24/09/13

*** On my return to the UK I opened my post and do not think it is as agreed.

25/09/13

Called 0800 800 150 and said "billing".  Spoke to a guy who said he was from "Customer Optimisation". I asked what that was and he explained that it meant "customer optimisation".  I didn't so much discuss the bill as rant on about what a balls up this is and he was less than helpful.

26/09/13

Filled in another BT complaint form.

27/09/13

Received a reply to above complaint form filling in, it basically said the matter was in hand and traffic lights would be erected on 30^thSeptember.  No apologies or even much politeness about  the situation.

30/09/13

During the day bollards were placed along the road and then, late afternoon a real live man from Open Reach came to see us. 

He told us that the work that needs doing is under the road opposite the bus stop about 20m up the road.  He said traffic lights need to be erected to do this work and that there is a car parked there so not poss. 

He then said that there is an embargo on putting traffic lights up during the hours of daylight on our road due to the large lorries that use it.  (There have been other service with daytime traffic lights and I have the pics).  He said that so far as he could see the situation was impossible and suggested we cancel the order and ask for a switch ie. extend the line down the garden, and worry about reconnecting the house when the time comes which would be with less pressure and forewarned.

02/10/13

We were still thinking about this advice but received a surprise visit from Open Read who apparently performed a switch by extending our line from the house to the barn! We assumed from this that our original order had been cancelled and although we were still considering what to do decided it was for the best.  Fingers crossed.

The guy said to us, no kidding, "Now I've done this probably other people will turn up to do the work.  For a communications company the communication in BT is terrible."

03/10/13

Received a text from BT saying

"Sorry your orders been delayed and we need to rearrange your engineer visit. To book another visit call 0800 800 150.

04/10/13

Received a text from BT saying they will call us on 8^th October to "discuss about the order".  Just a few minutes later received another text saying:

"Sorry.  Your "BT order start date" has changed.  Your new engineer's visit is on                     29^th October ..!"

That will make it over 3 months.

Also received an email, reputedly from Warren Buckley with same info giving reference no.  HMNMG*************

Called 0800 800 150 to get our old number back.  The guy, Harold, said it was not possible as there was an order pending on this number.  I explained the whole sorry mess to him and he said to hold on and he'd talk to the engineers.  He came back to me and said he had spoken to two departments.  One said we had cancelled the order (we hadn't although have been advised by BT to cancel it) and the other said they would cancel the order immediately.  He then went to reinstate our original number and, what a surprise, the order had not been cancelled!  He was quite upset himself and said he will work on it and call be on the mobile tomorrow.  He didn't.

07/10/13

Called O800 800150 and spoke to a girl who put me through to another girl called Bernadette at Customer Care. She said cancellation of our original order was "pending" and shortly after confirmed that it had been cancelled.  She applied to have our original number back and said it should be done within 24 hrs.

Received an email confirmation of the above.

Later same day BT called to say an engineer would be calling on 29^th October to complete the (recently cancelled) order.  I explained the situation although the Indian lady and I had trouble understanding each other.

Received this email ...

Automatic Mailer
This e-mail has been sent by an automated system, please do not respond to this e-mail.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello - This is a message from BT. This is to confirm your telephone service will be activated by midnight 29/10/2013, the engineering appointment is between 08:00 to 13:00. Your reference number is VOL0**********. Thank you for choosing BT

As you can see this is different from the new order number above!

08/10/13

Received an email from BT (Warren Buckley again - but still no reply to my direct letter) saying

"We're all done Hello - now ready for you."

A friend called on the mobile to say that neither our original number 5 nor our temporary number  were working.

Called 0800 800150 and talked to Mark who said that our new number (!) is now completely different!!!  I explained to him all that had gone on and he has tried very hard to help us out.

He spoke to the engineers who said that there is an order pending on that number.  He said that it had been cancelled and they said that it was "supposed" to be cancelled but wasn't!  He has asked for the order to be cancelled and our old number reinstated which, he thinks will take a day for the cancellation and a day for the reinstatement.

09/10/13

We received 2 texts and an email saying …

We need to change some dates

We're sorry, but we need to change the date that some of your services will start or stop.

Your broadband start date is changing from 26-Jul-2013 to 29-Oct-2013.

The date your current phone service will stop is changed to 26-Jul-2013.

Your broadband stop date will also change - it will now be the same day as your phone line.

Services can start/stop any time up to midnight on their start/stop date. Any kit you're expecting will arrive on time.

If you need to change any other dates in your order or postpone the stopping of any of your current BT services, call us on 0800 800 150.

You'll need order number HMNMG*************

Followed by a text saying …

Important BT Order Update – unfortunately we are unable to provide an update on your order as planned.  You do not need to contact us as we will be in touch before 8 pm on 11^th October.

11/10/13

As our original number has not been reinstated I called 0800 800 150, waited 15 minutes, spoke to order management in India who said the order is completed!  Said I needed to speak to the guy I spoke to in England on 8^th October, Mark.  The man in India said he could not transfer me.  Tried again, same result. 

For a short while after this our phone line and broadband went dead!

Tried again but was not put through to anyone.

No-one called as indicated by yesterday's text.

oOo

The road we live on is fairly busy-ish, I suppose, for a single carriageway main road through a village in Cornwall. The telegraph pole is on our side of the road directly outside the house, the line needs to be extended for a few yards down our garden.  We own both properties. 

So far we have spoken to 20 or more people, been held in line many, many times usually for 20+ minutes and once for over an hour.  When we do get to speak to a person we have to start all over again, repeating all the details and telling our story which gets longer each time.  We have not been called back at least 15 times.  We have not been replied to twice by Warren Buckley or his staff (despite being told that is who to contact), BT complaints in Durham failed to deal with the situation and nor did BT's complaints department after filling in an online form.  We have been told all sorts of things from we can be reconnected within days to it is humanly impossible to reconnect us.  We have been told the problem is the distributor box, the exchange, somewhere in between, the busy road, Traffic Management, not being able to contact us due to me being in France despite having left two alternative numbers, need clearance from council, engineers encountering a parked car, and so on.  We have heard so many different versions of what could or should happen next that we don't know what to believe.

I would very much like this situation resolved asap.  I have lost a great many book sales because of this and also lost momentum in my writing career but am unsure how this converts to monetary terms.  I would like the money for our recent bill refunded as it is, after all, BT's fault we needed this temporary line.

Please is there any way you can sort out this problem for us and also perhaps the problems that BT seem to be experiencing as a whole?  Some suggestions ...

1. Check if the work is to be done on one of Britain's rare busy roads before the moment of commencement.
2. Don't disconnect a line till confirmation is received from the engineers that the work can be done.
3. Try to get all staff, all over the world, to synchronise their stories.
4. Don't say you will call back unless you will.

SORRY ABOUT THAT RANT ~ I just wanted to talk to someone!